True to Myself

by Lauren Tocik, Recent Convert to Islam

“It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.”  This quote, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, stirs up feelings of letting go—letting go of something or someone in order to be true to yourself and true to your soul.

For over a year, I had asked myself what had made me so uneasy about the life I was living.  I could not identify what was pulling at my heart strings.  I prayed to God to help me find what it was that my subconscious was trying to tell me, but I was unable to read the hidden messages in my everyday life.  God had given me the resources to discover what was in my soul all throughout my life; I just didn’t know how to use the tools.

During this time, I had searched into what had brought me most comfort and joy: my faith.   It was in this journey that I had begun thinking about how this quote intersects my life and how I perceived how I was living my life.  After discovering what was distressing my soul, I needed to ask myself if I was willing to risk everything I had ever known in order set my heart at ease.  I deemed it was necessary if I ever intended to be happy in this lifetime.

Coming back to school in a long shirt and scarf upon my head was the easiest part to me; I felt comfortable in my choices.  A flood of responses came through the woodwork at my school, and even from my hometown, about my conversion to Islam.  Some openly voiced their opinions on my conversion to this new faith or affirmed their own faith.  Others were concerned with what was deemed a radical change to which I had never alluded.  Finding myself was the most important step I could have taken in my life.  With it came a new found sense of calm.  For those concerned, I have found that I will be waiting for them on their return with open arms ready to explain whatever they have questions about.

The Mosque Foundation and Sheikh Jamal Said have provided the welcome and support I needed during my faith journey.  It is through their encouragement that I can feel comfortable and empowered by the hijab and jilbab that I have taken to since converting.  To be accepted by the Islamic community is something I expected, but I consider them to be another family to me now.  I realize this conversion is a process and takes time.  To be received so whole-heartedly by the Islamic community is a wonderful experience.

And now when I am asked what has inspired my religious conversion, the answer most obvious to me is “God.”