Summarized Friday khutbah (sermon) made by Shaikh Jamal Said, Imam and Director of the Mosque Foundation.

My brothers and sisters,

Each week I stand here before you to address various issues that affect our Muslim community. Today, I would like to talk about something that rightfully generates fear among men and women alike. It is a reality that has shattered the lives of many children who at an early age are forced to endure severe challenges. I’m referring to divorce, which often becomes an unbearable situation for children, who see the difficult separation between their parents whom they love dearly. In some cases, divorce is a kind of “solution,” but, at best, it is the most detestable of permitted acts. This is according to Allah, who holds all wisdom and is the Most-Merciful Lord of the Heavens and the Earth.

It is no secret that the dissolution of the family, the cornerstone of an Islamic society, has become widespread. Divorce maybe a small word, but its meanings are far-reaching and long-lasting. It is the annulling of the bond between a man and a woman who should be partners for life, according to the vows and promises they have made. Divorce has lead to the destruction of countless Muslim homes; it has lead to the estrangement of countless children, whether young or adolescent. It often leads to the abuse of rights of men, women, and children. Psychologists, sociologists, and jurists have written on how divorce exposes husbands, wives, and children to severe distress and suffering, from which their homes had once served to protect.

Islam is comprehensive in its reach. It has laid down specific guidelines to observe when divorce becomes a necessary decision, so that it does not become a tool for abuse. Islam is also a practical religion, for it provides guidance meant for real life with all its trials. It recognizes that some relationships have reached a point of no repair and that the end of some relationships is better than their prolongation, especially when children are exposed to turmoil. Everything possible should be done to ensure a happy and safe household, which safeguards the family members and society at large. Allah says in the Quran (Sura 4), “O men, live with your wives in kindness and equity. If you dislike anything in them, it may be the very thing that God will use to bring about much blessing.”

Unfortunately, there are far too many cases of divorce that are caused by problems that could have been treated. The underlying reason of so many divorces is essentially lacking a fear of Allah. Many couples seek the selfish way out of injured marriages that could be healed with some patience, trust, and serious effort, thus offering their children an opportunity to live decent lives. (I am not speaking about exceptional cases involving infidelity or repeated abuse, gambling, drugs, and alcohol.)

There are many causes for the spread of divorce in our community. I will mention a few. One common cause is a lack of education among young females and males before marriage. Many times they are taught false ideas and develop false conceptions and unrealistic fantasies about marriage. Many young men misinformed about how they should treat their wives with respect, support, leadership, and gentleness (in deeds and in words). And the same is true about young women. In fact many young men are taught to be cold and aggressive with their wives and allow no manner for compromise. Many young women are somehow taught to focus only on materialistic things and evaluate suitors based on such things as income and appearance, instead of religion and character. Plain and simple, this is ignorance.

We have a marriage crisis, and our reaction to crisis must involve education. We must teach our children to first to fear Allah Almighty and trust in Him and His teachings, and second young people must learn early on that success requires that they treat their future partners as they would like to be treated, with fairness, patience, and mercy. We should guide them to be content with what Allah (SWT) has allotted to them and to avoid the habit of being deeply dissatisfied in not having what others have and so on. These things are the temporary adornments of this world. Yes, husbands and wives both have rights on each other and these rights must be preserved. But we must remind ourselves that perfection belongs only to the Creator and that any person we marry will have something about them that might seem irritating or even unbearable. But these negative thoughts can develop because young couples have fantasies of marriage and life.

Another common cause for the disintegration of the marital relationship is a lack of honest dialogue between the two partners. In some divorce cases, husbands and wives discovered that the only time they actually had sincere dialogue with one another was in the divorce process. For this reason, couple must never be hasty in getting a divorce. Honest and open communication is an amazing way to bring calm and security.

A common cause for divorce is interference by in-laws. It is rare to find in a divorce case in-laws (mother-in-law or father-in-law) who actually say something that is constructive and that invites healing. A majority of the time, they aggravate the problem; they make a bad situation much worse. In-laws must focus on the best interests of the whole family.

There are other causes for divorce to keep in mind: couples not introduced well of one another before marriage; excessive absence of one of the spouses; pointless arguing; a lack of contentment; cheapness when it comes to time or money; and inappropriate mixing between genders. Many marriages have been destroyed because spouses have not been vigilant about maintaining appropriate segregation and honorable relations between other men and women.

My brothers and sisters, I remind you and remind myself to fear Allah in every action we take. I advise couples to attempt to understand the real cause for conflict by being honest with one another. In addition, remember that each partner is responsible in assessing his or her own shortcomings with their obligations toward Allah as well as their duties towards their spouse, marriage, children, and home life.

When we are presented with a difficult test from Allah the Exalted, we must consider the relationships we have with those who are most dear to us. We should keep our problems private and teach our children to honor the privacy of what happens at home. Problems and trials are aggravated when privacy is not observed. Also, it is not wise to discuss past errors and try to wound each other with them. If both parties insist on being right and leave no room for discussion, then a solution is impossible. The wife as well as the husband should practice contentment and to focus positively on what one has. If he or she sees something good from their partner they should be thankful, and if they see a shortcoming they should practice patience and remember that many people share similar shortcomings and that no human being is perfect. It’s also very important to not attempt to solve a problem when you are in an angry state. Please remember that it is impossible to be completely satisfied in any situation. Sometimes we tend to stress ourselves more than the situation deserves, which is unhealthy and unproductive. True happiness is not money or physical beauty. It is living a life of satisfaction, dignity, and contentment with Allah  and what He provides for us. And finally, we must remind ourselves that Allah never burdens a soul with something greater than what he or she can bear.