Who should change first?
Marriage is about two different people coming together in harmony. This harmony survives on love, sacrifice and forgiveness. Understanding that the other person is different from you based on gender, or family values, religious practices, level of education, and possibly culture, should help you do your part to change, or "bend." In other words, both husband and wife should be flexible and willing to change certain behaviors in order to adapt as a couple. Marriage disputes should not be treated as a court ruling every time a problem arises. Reconciliation or (Islah) was the term that Allah (SW) used to bring people together and it requires change and compromise. Allah said: {If any woman fears disfavor or alienation from her husband, then there shall be no blame on the two of them if they reconcile a peaceful settlement between themselves. For reconciliation is [far] better than [kindling strife]}. 4:128.
Equality verses who is in charge?
When Allah gave the husband the responsibility of maintaining affairs of the family (Qiwamah), by no means is it to be interpreted as a dictatorship ruling of the spouse! Let us not forget that Allah described each one as part of a pair (Zawj) to the other. Allah said: {Yet it is God [alone] who has made for you from among yourselves pairs} 16:72. The word "pair" describes unity, equality and sharing. Allah also described the husband and wife as "garments" to each other. Allah said: {they (wives) are a garment for you and you are a garment for them} 2:187. The term "garment" represents closeness, attachment, warmth, safety and beauty.
As for the man being the maintainer of the family, the verse was so specific about the reason behind that. Allah said: {Men are maintainers [of the affairs] of women, for God has preferred in bounty one of them over the other and for what they spend [to sustain them] from their own wealth} 4:34. Look closely, the verse said: {one of them over the other}, it did not say: (preferred men over women!), which means men are better suited than women in specific areas according to their role, and women are better suited than men in specific areas according to their role. The husband's role in establishing the family, spending money on them, and the children carrying his name, gives him this role of responsibility in maintaining the affairs of the family.
The husband is the maintainer of the family under two conditions. First, the husband's role should always fall under the ordained limits of God (Hudood Allah), for no husband should lead his family to anything displeasing to Allah (SW). Allah said: {whoever transgresses the ordained limits of God has truly wronged his own soul} 65:1. 
Second, his role should always be to guide his family toward righteousness and honor (maa'rouf). Fairness and reasonable decisions based on righteousness and honor secures the husband's role in leading the family. Allah said: {so consort with them [only] in accordance with what is right [and honorable]} 4:19. Allah also said: {Yet for women there are [rights] equal to what is enjoined upon them, in accordance with what is right} 2:228. In another verse which speaks about rights of divorced women, the same term is used, Allah says: {and let there {also[ be ]reasonable[ provision for divorced women, in accordance with what is right} 2:241.
Here we ask the husband to maintain the matters of the family under this understanding and we ask the wife to be in harmony with her husband not to compete for authority.
Communication
Common reasons for miscommunication between spouses:
- In general, men are required to speak outside their homes more than inside their homes for a variety of reasons. The husband views his home as a place of quiet refuge and relaxation from the stress of the outside world of business, and may not feel the necessity of constant communication with his wife. On the other hand, women view constant communication from their husbands as proof of the love and connection between the two, and if it's missing she may feel a disconnection. By understanding this point, both husband and wife should be lenient toward the other to offer them what they need. The wife should give the husband the time needed to relax and the husband should not ignore the need of the wife to talk to him.
- Men are generally reluctant to speak about their problems or worries forthright and prefer to find solutions without projecting any vulnerability. That is why they might be silent whenever something is bothering them. Women generally use communication as a sounding board for their feelings and emotions. By sharing everything on their minds, they feel a closer connection to their husbands. They feel they can speak freely without being judged, thereby being reassured of their husbands' love and care. With this being said, every husband should try to talk to his wife about issues which are important to her, and every wife should give her husband some space when he has important matters on his mind.
- The language of the husband is different sometimes than the language of the wife. The husband usually speaks from logic to express a specific point, while the wife usually speaks more emotionally. For example; a wife might say: (I have a headache) hoping for some words of support, or a comforting presence from the husband, maybe putting his hand on her head and reading some verses of Quran! While in reality, the husband's response might be: (Take an Advil!) Here we ask the wife not to judge the husband as: (he never feels what I am going through - I never saw him caring about me in his life!) At the same time we ask the husbands not to be dry and void of showing their feelings and emotions especially in dealing with their wives. Each husband should learn and practice how to care beyond logical solutions to problems, it will make life enjoyable for both if they always try to embrace each other's commonalities and understand each other's differences.
Sh. Kifah Mustapha